Gated Community (with annotations by Rev. Dr. Edward Rawson, MEd, DPhil, STD)

Caution: cart crossing.¹
Registered golfers only
beyond this point. The²

Loblolly pines and³
pindo palms punish errant⁴
irons high and low.⁵

Barker Canady:
Fine Homes of Distinction Since⁶
1981.⁷

Settlers plant their flags:
Red Sox, Colts, Steelers, Yankees,
Huskies, Terrapins.⁸

A flight-school Cessna⁹
circles at a thousand feet,
buzzing the fairways.¹⁰

Buzzards do likewise¹¹
at a hundred. These wetlands¹²
crawl with death, and life.

Kent Homes: A Smarter
Way to a Luxury Home.¹³
Snakes often cross here.¹⁴

Notes

1. According to sources, an inventor by the name of Merle Williams invented the first electric-powered golf cart shortly after the Second World War, a product of his experimentation with electric motors during wartime gasoline rationing. Thus we may reasonably conclude that the expansionist dictators Hitler and Hirohito, in their way, made it possible for the morbidly obese, the superannuated, and the otherwise mobility-limited to enjoy an afternoon on the links, as anyone would.
2. Golf legend Lee Trevino honed his game as a child by sneaking into Dallas-area country clubs. As punishment for his misdemeanors, a vengeful and wrathful God smote him with lightning at a 1975 tournament in Chicago. Trevino recovered, but country clubs have since placed signs such as these at every entry point to ensure the safety of all juvenile would-be miscreants of Latin descent, lest God, having practiced and greatly improved His aim, strike again.
3. The loblolly pine, Pinus taeda, omnipresent throughout the southeastern United States, is able to fertilize and breed with itself. This behavior, though exceedingly rare, is not unknown in humans, as medical literature describes a mechanism by which individuals possessing both ovarian and testicular tissue may, in theory, produce offspring with no sexual partner. Lacking this genetic anomaly, the rest of us may only dream.
4. The pindo palm, Butia odorata, is among the cold-hardiest of all palms, and therefore suitable for planting in areas well north along the Atlantic seaboard. The tree however, is not native to the southeastern U.S., but is an import from the Brazilian state of Minas Gerais. The other notable import from the Brazilian state of Minas Gerais is the fabled thrash-metal band Sepultura; as such, once a year, at midnight under the light of a waxing moon, residents of this palm-infested community are obliged to place music-playing devices near their trees and play for them the 1987 masterpiece “Schizophrenia,” that the palms may be reminded of their lineage and thrust their roots ever more deeply into the sandy soil.

5. As we all know, punishments for errant irons have been inconsistently applied in this country, most obviously in the case of the brutal 1975 murder-by-six-iron of teenager Martha Moxley. As a consequence, at this course, like most others around the country, sliced and hooked shots from tee or fairway that are not immediately batted down by branch or frond are immediately retrieved, and the ball placed in the offending golfer’s mouth. The other members of the foursome then take turns striking the duffer about the head and torso with a club of their choice, until the poor wretch signals he or she is ready to vow to never vote for a goddamn northeastern liberal politician in any election, local or national.
6. Canady, or its variant Kennedy, is a surname of Irish origin, and like most Irish-Americans, this builder traces his ancestry to 19th century refugees of the Great Potato Famine. To honor the struggles of his forebears, Canady builds fine homes for the residents of this community with a distinctive feature: he plants a potato field in the front yard. Despite the scorching summers and fine soil, these potatoes thrive, and provide joy and sustenance to all who choose a Canady home. But what of Barker? There is no such partner. Canady added the plainly Anglo-Saxon prefix to avoid being mistaken for a goddamn northeastern liberal politician.
7. 1981 is perhaps best known for the death, on September 1 of that year, of Nazi architect Albert Speer. Despite his conviction at Nuremberg for various and sundry crimes against humanity, Speer maintained until his passing that he was one of the “good” Nazis, and that he had been unaware of the genocidal horrors of the Third Reich. Two months after his death, on October 30, in the New York City borough of Manhattan, Ivanka Trump was born.

8. English explorers made an initial attempt to settle this area in 1664, but it was not until 1726 when the the first permanent colony was established. Due to its proximity to a major river port, the fledgling community suffered greatly at the hands of the British Navy during the Revolutionary War, and again during the Civil War, when the Union blockade starved the region. Today, the ongoing influx of wealthy settlers from above the Mason-Dixon line is seen by many longtime residents as a calculated insult, masterminded by goddamn northeastern liberal politicians, and resentment continues to grow between the two groups. Many experts predict a protracted and bloody war is in the offing, with the senior activity center behind the 8th hole at the Irwin-designed Winding River east course a likely point of first contact. Until then, water-view home lots remain surprisingly affordable, starting at only $189K. Talk to a qualified sales rep today.
9. Clyde Cessna founded his namesake company in 1927, in Kansas. That same year, Assar Gabrielsson and Gustav Larson founded Volvo, in Sweden. For reasons now lost to history, despite manufacturing entirely different machines with no market overlap, Cessna became a bitter, feuding enemy of the two Swedes, and over the next several decades each company committed despicable acts of industrial sabotage against the other, costing both millions of dollars and kronor. To this day, every Volvo sold anywhere in the world can be fitted, as optional equipment, with a premium 21-speaker sound system and hood-mounted 40mm anti-aircraft gun, available in the usual range of colors. To counter the threat, each Cessna carries onboard a supply of Xanax and Williams-Sonoma catalogs, which may be dropped on V-series wagons as the pilot sees fit, rendering their drivers insensible.

10. The term “fairway” originally referred to the navigation channel of a river, only acquiring its golf-related meaning near the end of the 19th century. While a commonplace nowadays, the widespread adoption of the term to mean “the painfully narrow space between the trees where one ought to try to keep one’s tee shot” initially caused a great deal of confusion. In the First World War, when air combat was still in its infancy, trainee pilots were ordered to practice bombing runs “down the fairway,” in an effort to direct bombs toward dams, bridges, and other strategic riverine targets. However, many pilots mistook their commanders’ order to mean the wholesale destruction of golf courses, and thus the modern sand-filled bunker was born.
11. The word “buzzard,” used interchangeably with “turkey vulture,” is most likely derived from the Old French word “buisart,” meaning an inferior hawk. Words can hurt: the common buzzard has long suffered from an inferiority complex, and the frequent gatherings of 10 or more of the birds in the high branches of trees have little to do with mating rituals or collective defense, but are in fact self-help group meetings, during which the birds take turns sharing traumatic childhood memories and offering each other positive coping strategies. Another common misconception is that circling buzzards overhead indicates the presence of carrion below: while that is certainly possible, it’s just as likely, wildlife biologists have recently discovered, that the buzzards are engaging in the avian equivalent of the sort of human behavior that is usually prefaced by the announcement, “I’m gonna take a drive, just to get out of the house for bit. Need to clear my head.”
12. Exclusive gated communities use the term “wetlands” where the rest of us would say “swamp.” Why? The former term conjures images of graceful waterfowl moving gently through waving reeds; the latter means creepy-crawlies and stinkiness. No one wants a fine home of distinction built on a swamp.

13. As Sombart and Mandel predicted, the concentration of immense wealth in the hands of a very few, coupled with the triumph of mass consumerism associated with late-stage capitalism, has led to the elevation of innate human characteristics as the preferred weaponry of neighborly competition, displacing luxury goods. Put more simply: when everyone on your block already has a European SUV, a Cessna, a sun room with a view of the 12th green, and perhaps even a potato field, you must buy smarter, not simply more. Failing that, you may install a pair of gleaming metal peacocks in your front yard, adorning them, come December, with Santa caps, as is the fashion.
14. This region harbors four species of venomous snake: the pygmy rattlesnake, the canebrake rattlesnake, the eastern coral, and the cottonmouth moccasin. But the most dangerous snake is that which lives within each of us; so let us heed the utterances of Ashtavakra.

Be happy!
For you are joy, unbounded joy.
You are awareness itself.
Just as a coil of rope
Is mistaken for a snake,
So you are mistaken for the world.

When the Self is unknown,
The world arises.
Not when it is known.
But you mistake
The rope for the snake.
When you see the rope,
The snake vanishes.

You see the world.
But like the snake in the rope,
It is not really there.
You are pure.
Let yourself dissolve.

If that all seems a bit much, why not try the all-new 3-row Volvo XC90 premium hybrid SUV? The Osmium Gray Metallic with charcoal leather interior really blends into the asphalt.