Freshly Appointed to Spearhead the Corona Virus Taskforce, Pat Robertson Addresses the Nation’s Young Men

By Wesley Houp

For the love of Jesus,
boys, do not get
lady chemicals
all over your faces.

For God so despises
muff diving
in all its unholy permutations
that He’s rewinged
the locusts,
and we’re not talking
your run of the mill
Georgia thumpers.

They’re eating straight
through the sanctimonious
night garments
of this forsaken land,
that is also periodically blessed
depending on the moral crisis.

He’s boogered the waters
with blood,
over-frogged the ponds,
energized the lice
in the Chicago public schools!
He’s withdrawn
the sacramental ketchup
from the freeloading
free lunchers.

It doesn’t take
the CDC to suss
this conundrum.
Fornicator?
Get thee behind!
Miner sixty-niner?
Cast down thy deviant
configurations!

Boys, ye must repent
that hot girlie action.
Satan waits
with Nanci Pelosi
and Ron Jeremy
at the right hand
of Karl Marx
and they want nothing
more than to baptize you
in the filthy,
liberal, fountain
of womanhood.

We can beat this plague
with two weeks of
repentant youth group
and bible verses
handpicked
for perverted losers.