I just read The Lane Report‘s recent piece of hard-hitting business journalism, entitled “CKY Market Review: Fayette County has it all,” and I have to tell you: while there are upsides and downsides, all in all, I’m pretty excited that I live in this big city of Lexington.
The first sentence says it all: “Lexington seems like a city on the verge of something really big.” I know that feeling. I know all about it. It’s exactly the feeling I had the Friday morning after Thanksgiving, when I’d gone ahead and had that third helping of corn pudding. TLR doesn’t specify what that “something” is, but it’s going to be good. In fact that’s exactly what I said when I walked into the bathroom on that fateful day: “I don’t know what this is going to be, but it’s going to be good. And big.”
And it was. Another thing that’s big and good, rightly highlighted by TLR, is “the completion of City Center, a mixed-use development that has been the talk of the town for more than a decade.” It certainly has been! I can’t speak for every citizen in the city, but I’ve surely talked about it, for what seems like much, much longer than a decade. Feels like a whole lifetime. I was still a young man, then. Did you know that when CentrePointe City Center started, Robert McNamara was still alive? I don’t know why that’s relevant here, but it’s true.
It’s got a Jeff Ruby’s, TLR reminds us. That’s something we’ve talked about. Did you know they sell a steak for $115? I don’t think there was any place in town that sold steaks for $115, before Jeff Ruby’s at City Center. That’s one clear way you can tell Lexington’s on the verge: we now have $115 steaks.
But that’s not all! You’d think it would be enough, but nope—there’s more: “Just down the street, another huge construction project promises to change the landscape of downtown, literally and figuratively.” Here TLR is talking about the renovation of Rupp Arena and the Convention Center. You can tell this is going to be big too, because it’s been talked about at least as long as City Center, and it’s still years from being finished. I wonder how much their steaks will cost?
So that’s good. The only thing I couldn’t figure out, though, is how the landscape will figuratively change. What does that mean? I wondered. So I did a web search on “figurative landscape,” and it turns out we’re getting something even better than steaks: we’re getting paintings. Lots of places have figurative landscapes, especially, for some damned reason, the Netherlands, but now we’ll have them too. I don’t know how much they’ll cost, or if we each get one for free when we pay our LexServ bills, but I know they’re going to be big. I already cleared the beer-can pyramid out of my living room to make space for mine.
Does our bigness stop there? No, sirs and madams, it does not. TLR reminds us that people come to visit us sometimes, thanks to the “active and experienced team at VisitLEX,” who’s “never satisfied with just OK.” That’s important, because I’ve seen a lot of figurative landscapes that, honestly, are just OK. For instance, I was having my house fumigated for roaches a few months ago, and I had to stay in a motel for a couple of nights. There was a figurative landscape on the wall above the bed, and it was just OK. I, for one, am very glad that my own painting, when it arrives, will be better than that one. And bigger.
Then there’s mention of Commerce Lexington, which ” is constantly working behind the scenes toward the same goal: create more jobs for Central Kentucky residents.” TLR doesn’t specify what sorts of jobs they are, but I assume they’re mostly jobs for landscape painters. Now, here’s where I have a big problem: I want my painting, like anyone would, but are we going to have to import a bunch of Dutchmen to fill these jobs? We have enough problems with immigration as it is, without worrying about trying to communicate with a bunch of Dutch-speakers. Plus, from what I’ve read, they all smoke marijuana, and so what we’ll be left with is a bunch of really tall, good-looking people speaking some crazy language, smoking pot, and painting pictures of Rupp Arena. I know Commerce Lexington means well, but I’m not sure this is the way forward. Do the Dutch even like steak?
What’s worse, it seems that some of these paintings are going to be smutty, thanks to the University of Kentucky, which lives here, along with Jeff Ruby. TLR wrote that “UK continually invests—financially and otherwise—in Lexington, bringing beneficial new programs and notoriety to Central Kentucky.” So UK is the big bucks behind the figurative landscape program, clearly, but I didn’t understand: what was supposed to be “notorious” about a bunch of big paintings?
Well, I did a web search for “notorious landscape painter,” and let me tell you: I wish I hadn’t. It isn’t the Dutch we have to worry about. It’s the French, which figures. First they pulled out of Indochina, and now UK is bringing Gustave Courbet to our fair city. And he doesn’t even just paint landscapes; he does filth like this. Click that link if you dare, but know that UK is responsible for that obscenity—not me. That’s what they think of our city. That’s what they want our city to be. And what’s she on the verge of? Something big? Certainly looks that way.
I guess that’s all right. I trust our leaders to give it to us in a big way, and I’m happy The Lane Report took the time to outline all the ways that we should feel lucky to live in Lexington. In the words of Peter Gabriel, we’re big time.
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