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The leek: a satirical take

By Horace Heller Hedley, IV

The evolving story of widespread NSA surveillance on ordinary Americans has taken a surprising turn. Dozens of citizens are reporting mysterious, helpful messages from an unidentified sender, popularly dubbed “the NSAngel.” In each case, the messages have appeared without warning on the screens of users, with no earmarks of a known program, and no trace of a sender’s address. They invariably pertain to events in the recipient’s recent life, and are polite and helpful in tone. Often the mysterious sender shows knowledge that indicates extraordinary access to information. All these factors point to a rogue, do-gooder element of the NSA that has so far escaped supervisory sanction. Continue reading »

 

The Leek: a satirical take

By Horace Heller Hedley, IV

Image by Christopher Epling.

Image by Christopher Epling.

A confidential source has provided The Leek with a surreptitious tape of a strategy session held by senior officials of the National Rifle Association (NRA). The recording was made on April 18, 2013, the day after measures banning assault weapons and extending gun buyer background checks were defeated in the Senate.

The confidential source told The Leek that he entered the meeting with a recording device concealed in an oversized ammunition clip attached to an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle. The weapon did not arouse suspicion and was not searched.

The Leek took no direct part in making the recording. Therefore, whatever the legality of the recording, The Leek is exercising its First Amendment right to publish the manuscript, and is held harmless from legal liability under Supreme Court precedent set in the case of Bartnicki v. Vopper.

The participants in the NRA meeting appear to have been senior policymakers and legal specialists within the organization, but could not be identified.  Continue reading »

 

The leek: a satirical take

Illustration by Christopher Epling.

Illustration by Christopher Epling.

Guest editorial by Wilbert Trooghspoon

Socrates. Henry David Thoreau. Mahatma Gandhi. These giants of moral courage inspire us to follow our own deepest convictions, braving even the wrath of the State when integrity puts forth its most exacting demand. Yes, history narrates the battle between the individual human conscience and the State’s gunpoint demand that its subjects march lock-step in its arbitrarily-chosen order. Only in rare moments do we behold a government so enlightened that it elevates its people to their rightful place as free moral agents.  Continue reading »

 

The leek: a satirical take

By Horace Heller Hedley, IV

Breaking new ground in the movement to give corporations the same rights as people, the state of Texas has become the first to impose the death penalty on a corporation. On midnight of February 1, Lone Star Diesel and Fixins’ had its Articles of Incorporation blown to pieces by shotgun fire, in the first known state-sanctioned execution of a non-human entity.

Illustration by Christopher Epling.

Illustration by Christopher Epling.

Continue reading »

 

The leek: a satirical take

Illustration by Christopher Epling.

Illustration by Christopher Epling.

By Horace Heller Hedley, IV

In a bold initiative for solving stubborn Federal budget problems, the U.S. House of Representatives will, for the first time in its history, accept official corporate sponsorship. As anticipated, the move has created a scramble among America’s largest corporations which are now vying for exclusive rights to sponsor the House—an undreamed of branding and public relations coup for the winner.

The news sent shock waves through the Fortune 500, as at least a dozen of America’s top corporations jockeyed for position in the upcoming public auction, dubbed “the mother of all bidding wars.”  Continue reading »

 

The leek: a satirical take

By Horace Heller Hedley, IV

The familiar tour of Washington D.C.’s great monuments to our common past—The Lincoln Memorial, The Jefferson Memorial, the Washington Monument—will soon feature a new stop.  The new Ayn Rand Memorial, a tribute to the influential Russian émigré novelist and political philosopher, is due to begin construction in 2014.   Continue reading »

 

The leek: a satirical take

By Horace Heller Hedley, IV

In a bold move to open more payment options for financially strapped customers, Anthem Blue Cross will allow subscribers to pay premiums by offering their vital organs to the insurance giant. The new program, dubbed “Kidneys for Koverage,” provides a variety of flexible options, allowing both healthy and ailing customers to derive monetary value from their functioning organ systems.

“We asked ourselves, ‘Those subscribers who can’t afford monthly premiums — where are their untapped assets?’” said Ronald Hilfinger, Director of Customer Relations. “Their houses are mostly sold already—especially our customers in poor health. But with a healthy kidney going for $150,000, the average person’s most valuable asset is their excess organ capacity.   Since we already had access to an extensive network of surgeons, it was a natural fit.” Continue reading »

 

The leek: a satirical take

By Horace Heller Hedley, IV

Seamus Romney, namesake of the Republican presidential candidate’s infamous family dog, attempted to cast a ballot in Iowa’s early voting. Republicans are citing the incident as evidence that tougher voter ID laws are urgently needed.

The fraudulent voting was attempted in the County Auditor’s office in Guthrie County, Iowa, where early voting began on September 27. Election Officer Sheila Johansen gets credit for detecting the foul play. “First off, I’ve lived here all my life, and I’d never seen the guy before.   When he gave his name, I thought, wait a minute…isn’t that the name of the dog that Mitt supposedly strapped to his luggage rack and drove to Canada? I must have given the guy quite a look, because he bolted out the door before I could call the police. I told my friend about it, and she said, ‘Well, maybe he just really had to go out.’” Continue reading »

 

The leek: a satirical take

By Horace Heller Hedley, IV

In a stunning counterpoint to the recent video where Mitt Romney describes 47 percent of Americans as irresponsible and feeling entitled to government handouts, a second video has emerged showing the candidate expressing very different views. The second video, recorded secretly at a gathering of low-income women at a community center in an undisclosed city, shows Romney expressing empathy for his low-income guests, even raising questions of economic justice. Continue reading »

 

The leek: a satirical take

By Horace Heller Hedley, IV

Washington D.C.

In a stunning development expected to have far-reaching economic and political fallout, the Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed that the unemployment rate has reached an unprecedented 106 percent. The revelation has overturned conventional wisdom in economic and political circles, and left experts scrambling to make sense of its causes and probable impact.

“What the ****** ***** happened down there?” gasped Mark Ridgefield of Gotham Capitol Investment, in a typical response to the astounding report. “Those stats guys must have smoked something extra strong in a small office with the windows shut.” Continue reading »

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