Oct 302012
 

The leek: a satirical take

By Horace Heller Hedley, IV

Seamus Romney, namesake of the Republican presidential candidate’s infamous family dog, attempted to cast a ballot in Iowa’s early voting. Republicans are citing the incident as evidence that tougher voter ID laws are urgently needed.

The fraudulent voting was attempted in the County Auditor’s office in Guthrie County, Iowa, where early voting began on September 27. Election Officer Sheila Johansen gets credit for detecting the foul play. “First off, I’ve lived here all my life, and I’d never seen the guy before.   When he gave his name, I thought, wait a minute…isn’t that the name of the dog that Mitt supposedly strapped to his luggage rack and drove to Canada? I must have given the guy quite a look, because he bolted out the door before I could call the police. I told my friend about it, and she said, ‘Well, maybe he just really had to go out.’” Continue reading »

Sep 052012
 

The leek: a satirical take

By Horace Heller Hedley, IV

Washington D.C.

In a stunning development expected to have far-reaching economic and political fallout, the Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed that the unemployment rate has reached an unprecedented 106 percent. The revelation has overturned conventional wisdom in economic and political circles, and left experts scrambling to make sense of its causes and probable impact.

“What the ****** ***** happened down there?” gasped Mark Ridgefield of Gotham Capitol Investment, in a typical response to the astounding report. “Those stats guys must have smoked something extra strong in a small office with the windows shut.” Continue reading »

Jun 272012
 

The leek: a satirical take

By Horace Heller Hedley, IV

Following its recent hiring of Fox News correspondent Greg Burke as official media consultant, the Vatican has continued its public outreach by establishing a new Office of Excommunications. The incoming director, Fr. Bartomeo Taccahaicca, has pledged to streamline the process of excommunication, currently bogged down by confused regulations, antiquated administrative procedures, and skyrocketing demand.

The Vatican has been scrambling to update its excommunication methods—little has changed since the Middle Ages—in the face of a steep increase in requests for excommunication in recent years. “In past centuries most excommunications were involuntary,” explained Roberto Delvecchio of the Pontifical Institute. “The demand for voluntary excommunication in the past few years has caught the Church off guard. The administrative structure is completely log-jammed.”   Continue reading »