Dec 072011

NoC Sports

In light rain and ultra-soggy conditions, Danny Mayer rode a perfect botch on the opening jack to an 11-6 victory in the night’s opening round of Lexington Guerilla Bocce League, held Monday nights at 10:00 PM. The Courthouse grounds were spongy, Mayer told reporters after the match while receiving liquids in the player’s quarters at Sidebar, and air temperature remained at a balmy 50 degrees. “I stuck my throws, and Michael was over-geared for the night,” Mayer explained about his well-dressed competitor. “His extra layers were either a hindrance to his current performance—leading to a number of poorly rolled balls—or they were a learning experience for learning how to throw in cold-weather. Either way, I beat the shit out of him tonight.”

After the opening match loss, Benton, who was still recovering from an epic Turkey-night drunk, seemed groggy, weak and confused. Mayer took the second match quickly, dropping 11 on the sot before he reached 3 points. Benton sensed the night had gotten away from him. “As a native San Diegan, the bulky winter style clothing will take some getting used to and, yes, I will admit I was still feeling my turkey day debauchery…although you would think I would be able to roll effectively as many times as I have had to bounce back from one of those.”

After match play, the rollers held forth with several Sidebar patrons on recent global developments. H5N1 now has human-to-human transfer capabilities. A student in Kansas called the governor a dickwad—a sentiment that goes viral after she refuses the demands of her sycophant headmaster that she apologize to the governor. American Airlines filed for bankruptcy; more unrest in Greece and Spain; fiscal strife in Italy, Germany and France; and Wall Street roared back after losing 5% last week—the worst Thanksgiving week going back to the 1930s.

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