Terrible showing by Redskins provokes NoC icon
Due to an incomprehensible, unfathomable and outright unspeakable rift in the sporting cosmos, the Frugal Fisherman has reportedly gone missing. He was last seen stumbling out of Winchell’s on Southland around 7 PM this past Sunday, moments after the Washington Redskins laid an egg against the lowly Saint Louis Rams. Eyewitness accounts report he was extremely inebriated, displaying fits of anger and screaming wildly, “Who lets Rams ass fuck them?…The Skins are toasted dog shit!…Fuck football! Fuck America!!”
One offended bystander observed, “The man appeared to have lost all sense of identity and place.” Another described him as “enraged” and “suicidal.” The ruckus became so overbearing that cops were called to the scene and several children were evacuated for fear Frugal would break out in a berserk rage at any minute.
A key eyewitnesses at Winchell‘s that afternoon, who fearing for his safety remained anonymous, said he had never seen a man so disoriented, so drunk and out of his mind.
“It’s as if the man had just found out his entire family had completely disowned him. You know … that look one gets once they’ve given up on life. You could see it in his eyes. Nothing mattered anymore. Just rage on top of drunken rage.”
As of this printing no new information has surfaced as to Frugal’s whereabouts. In the meantime, due to a lack of any hard incriminating evidence local police have dropped the case.
If you have any information as to the whereabouts of the Frugal Fisherman, please contact us at North of Center at firstname.lastname@example.org.
For its part, the paper has issued the following statment: “Seeing how the frugal fisherman represents this paper and its contributors, we apologize to all who were offended by his recent uncouth and foul-mouthed actions. Once found, we will punish him to the fullest extent of our abilities – by making him continue to contribute to this paper.”